Unit 5 / Reading 1

September 2005

My baby was born two days ago. I'm tired – exhausted in fact – but delighted. My baby daughter, Jessica. She weighed just under eight pounds. It was quite long and difficult, but the result is so wonderful it was worth it. A perfectly normal and healthy baby. Ten toes, ten fingers, two beautiful blue eyes, and blonde curly hair. Well, not a lot of hair yet, but it will grow. She was born on a Friday. Friday 13th . A lot of people think that's a sign of bad luck, but I think it's the opposite.

 

25th December 2005

Our first Christmas with Jessica. She's three months old already. She's so pretty! Every time she sees me, she smiles. Her hair has grown. She spends hours making shapes with her fingers, and evry time I show her pictures, she's fascinated. I'm sure she's very intelligent.

 

12th February 2006

Jessica has a cough. She's in a bad mood and so am I. She cries a lot and when I take her in my arms, she keeps on crying. I don't know what to do.

 

14th April 2006

Jessica said her first word today – I'm sure she did! “Barbie”. She's got a Barbie doll and she knows its name, and today she said it. Michael says it's impossible because she's only seven months old, but he doesn't know. Jessica's not just pretty, she's bright. She's a genius.

 

 

28 th July 2006

I took Jessica to the doctor today, to check her growth. He says she's a fine, healthy baby, but he thinks she's not going to be very tall. How tall, I asked? But he said it was difficult to say at this stage. Five feet nine, I asked? Surely five nine at least? He refused to say. Stupid man! I'm going to change doctor.

 

 

15th Sept 2006

Jessica's first birthday. She's very pretty. That's what everyone says. But sometimes I think they say that just to please me. Perhaps she's not pretty after all. I can't stop worrying about it. What if she's just like everyone else? What if she's nothing special? But that's impossible, of course. She's going to be beautiful and clever. Perhaps she'll be a film star. Or perhaps she'll be the first woman president of the United States.

 

25th December 2007

Jessica's second Christmas. Not a happy one. I argued with Michael and she started to cry, and she cried for most of the day. Michael says I'm obsessed with her. Well, of course I am! She's my daughter, isn't she? I'm not a film star, I'm not a model, I'm a mother. I've got no career, I've got a daughter instead. Of course I'm obsessed with her. What's wrong with that? It's only normal. She's my future.

 

6th March 2008

Jessica has always seemed a bright and lively girl to me, but I wanted to make sure, so I took her to a specialist and asked him to assess her intelligence. He was a bit surprised because he said you only need to look at her to see she's normal, and his job is to detect children who have problems. I said that I thought she had above normal intelligence, and was probably exceptionally gifted, and I wanted him to confirm it. He did a few tests – making her play with shapes and colours and so on – and concluded she was of average intelligence. Stupid man!

 

20th June 2008

Michael keeps telling me not to be so worried about Jessica. What does it matter, she asks, if she's not very tall? He says I'm neurotic and I'll do more harm than good by always measuring her and wondering about her development. He says he wants Jessica to be normal and healthy and happy. I agree of course, but the problem is that he refuses to believe she's a genius. How can he be so blind?

 

16th September 2008

Jessica was two yesterday. At the age of two, children are half the height they will be when they are adults. Jessica is two feet eight, which means that as an adult she'll be five feet four. I don't believe it – I've been tricked, I've been robbed! She'll never be a model if she's that small! Surely there's a way of making her grow faster!

I got very depressed, thinking about the way I sacrificed my career for Jessica – and she won't ever be a model or a film star. I shut myself in my room and drank half a bottle of tequila. This morning I feel terrible.

 

24th January 2009

I've found an association that helps gifted children to develop, and I asked them to test Jessica's IQ. They said she wasn't gifted at all. At her age, some children are already starting to read, but Jessica failed some of the basic tests of pattern recognition. They even thought she might be a little dyslexic. On the way out, I heard two mothers talking about how smart their children were and it made me want to be sick. Jessica couldn't understand why I was so angry. When I got home I just put her in front of the television and went to my room and got drunk.

 

19th May 2009

Michael accuses me of not taking an interest in Jessica any more. Perhaps he's right. She's going to be small, and not very bright, and she'll probably end up as a supermarket cashier. She's getting fat, too, because Michael gives her all the wrong food. I used to argue with him about that, but I don't care any more. He can do what he wants. She's a failure.

 

 

2nd September 2009

Michael and Jessica came back from holiday last week. They went camping in Yellowstone Park – without me. Michael refused to let me go with them because he said I'd spoil the holiday. I didn't insist. He's probably right. I get jealous when I think that Jessica's happier with her father than with me, but I know I'm a useless mother. Sometimes I think I should tell Michael the truth, but I'm scared. I think he'd be so furious he'd kill me.

 

4th January 2010

Michael and I are separating. He's going to take Jessica back to Australia. He wants us to divorce, and he wants to keep Jessica with him. I don't think I have the energy to fight. And I don't think I care if Michael takes care of Jessica. I'll go and visit her of course, but sometimes I think that she's not mine anyway. She's not really anybody's daughter – who can really say who Jessica's parents are? She's just an idea that went wrong. She's the daughter of too many people, all of them heartless and greedy. And I was the most heartless and greedy of them all.

 

28th April 2010

The divorce has gone through. I didn't try to stop it. Michael and Jessica left for Australia last week. I feel so empty and depressed, I don't know what to do. Or rather, yes I do – and I have what I need right here in the apartment. Sleeping pills and alcohol. How nice it would be never to wake up again! But do I have the courage?

 

30th September 2010.

I haven't opened this book for several months. Because there wasn't any point after Jessica left. It was never my diary, it was hers – the record of her growth and development, a way of keeping track of her beauty and her talents and her rise to fame and glory. But it all went wrong. After she left I got so depressed that a month ago I actually tried to kill myself. The neighbour found me in the morning because I'd left a window open and it was banging in the wind. And strangely enough, since then I've been feeling better – as if before I was in a dream, and now I've woken to reality, and can see how stupid I was. I've lost my illusions and I want to start again. Two weeks ago I spoke to Jessica on the phone for her fourth birthday, and she sounded so happy that I almost cried. I want to see her again, but before I do I want to be happy and normal myself. I've got a job now helping single mothers to cope, and I'm going to the gym to lose weight – but most important of all, I've decided to tell the truth. I don't care what the consequences are; I just want to get it all off my chest. So that one day, perhaps, I'll be able to tell Jessica who she really is.